Cats Review

     The '80s had a lot of unexplained phenomenon, such as Ronald Reagan, crack cocaine, Boy George, and the wild success of Cats on Broadway. With its thin plot and glitzy costumes, the show was the longest running in Broadway history at one point. The musical's transition to film was inevitable and was originally planned as an animated film. When Oscar winner Tom Hooper came aboard, he decided to make it into a semi-live action musical with cat-human hybrids. With a star studded cast and being rushed through production up till 36 hours before it premiered, Cats is an absolute disaster.

     I know I'm supposed to be critically appropriate when I review films, but Cats is a level of unacceptable that I have to just vent. As a precursor, it is important to disclose I do not have many brain cells to begin with due to extensive drug use and a pair of concussions. Even though I am not playing with a full deck of cards, Cats proceeded to rob me of the few bits of intelligence or operating neural networks I have left within its run time. I usually hate spoilers in reviews, but I want to just disclose some of the events that happen in this film so you, my reader, can save 13-25 dollars. If you plan on seeing this, save yourself two hours and drive by the theater, throw the money you would spend on tickets out the window, and just proceed about your day. That way you wouldn't have to deal with the PTSD I developed from seeing this horrific film. As my reader, I give you many wonderful reviews, so its only fair that you are now my therapist and get to hear about my stress and pain from Cats.

     Cats begins with a pretty normal song and dance number that isn't half bad. The choreography of this film would be applauded of it wasn't acted out by this furry feline fantasy. Then, the stars appear. Rebel Wilson appears as this one big old broad of a cat. This particular cat has an army of cockroaches with human faces and a band of disgusting mice people. I looked in horror at these creatures that Dr. Frankenstein couldn't even fathom creating. Jason Derulo dances on the scene with a British accent that makes Dick van Dyke's in Mary Poppins look Shakespearean. Then everyone's fourth favorite talk show host, James Corden appears. He proceeds to do a song and dance number that lasted my entire lifetime about eating garbage or some shit. Maybe I hated it so much because it was too self-reflective, but regardless, my eyes hath seen enough! Jennifer Hudson, who probably had the only decent vocals and performance then graces the screen. The only problem is she has snot running from her nose in every scene. It's so distracting because it isn't even a little bit of snot, but the equivalent to the Nile River. Her and newcomer Francesca Hayward have a nice little song together. I feel for Hayward, as she blindly walks through the film, and is possibly currently living in Cuban exile. There are moments where they forget to complete the CGI on her, and you just see her tights. This was a really long paragraph of venting, and I can't even find a good transition. So just go to the next one, damnit!

     Judi Dench is here now. She plays this old cat who is going to decide who goes on to the next life. Apparently, Universal is sending out another version of Cats with a video game like patch to fix the horrible CGI, especially on Dench. Thank God I didn't see this version, because the flawed original is laughably atrocious. Ian McKellen is also here, and we see him drinking milk with his cat tongue. I appreciate his commitment to his art because, like a cat, I HAD NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL HE WAS SAYING! He just quietly mumbles and groans his way through an unlistenable song. This was a problem for a good amount of the movie, as poor sound mixing made many song lyrics inaudible. there's also a cat that talks about trains that naturally has to tap-dance because of course. Finally, Taylor Swift appears, paired with another British accent. Wait, Idris Elba's also here dancing in a skin-tight suit that only removes his cat johnson from everything but imagination. This was the point  I was fully checked out. I could finish discussing the plot, but I honestly believe I have mentally blocked out the rest. The film ends in some unmemorable way. Maybe I don't remember the end because I couldn't stop staring at the clock. How horrendous this movie is makes The Irishman seem short, even though there's over an hour and a half less of it.

     This film had no theme, no plot, no point, and no place. I truly believe all film is art, but to call Cats art would be an insult. Not only should Tom Hooper never direct another movie again after this massive flop, but he should be arrested and hung for hate crimes against humanity. I laughed hysterically during this movie, but out of necessity to keep an ounce of sanity. I need at least several years of consistent therapy before I even begin to attempt to watch this movie again. Since Universal subjected me to this monstrosity, don't ask me to grade this movie or say anything critically savvy. Cats is garbage, and one of the worst films I have ever seen.

Grade (??/10)