Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales Review

     The fact that the Pirates of Caribbean franchise is still going is astounding.  After the first surprise hit entry in the franchise, the films have progressively gotten worse and worse.  If anyone can give me a decent synopsis of On Stranger Tides, I'll Venmo you $5.  Regardless of shoddy critical reviews, the films have still made a gaggle of money every time a new one is released.  I predicted this would be the film to sink the franchise in my summer movie preview. So, is this the restart the franchise desperately needed after six years off? That would be a strong no.

     Dead Men Tell No Tales has got to be the worst blockbuster I have seen in a long time. I can barely even call this a review, but more of a massacre of a movie that is purely horrdendous The film basically takes every plot structure from the original four movies and reuses them. The overuse of nostalgia for the original films drags this film down consistently.  Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) is still getting into mischevious adventures.  there is a ridiculously attractive young couple that there is a romantic subplot.  Geoffrey Rush's Captain Barbosa is still working as Captain Jack's foil/ally.  Now, there is a new villain ruling the seas.  this is Captain Salazar who is played by Javier Bardem.  When I heard that the Bardem, who is notorious for his villainous roles is No Country for Old Men and Skyfall was to play the enemy in the new film, I was ecstatic,  I thought Bardem could add the necessary skill to playing a truly great blockbuster enemy.  However, covered in ridiculous looking CGI, Bardem makes a damn fool of himself playing a silly and laughable character.  Also, because of terrible sound mixing, I could understand about every other word of his dialogue.  Depp seemed as if he crawled out of bed with a nasty hangover every day of shooting to make this version of Captain Jack.  His portrayal lacked the charisma that Depp originally portrayed in his Oscar-nominated role.  I also could have put up a cardboard box that had more acting skill than Aussie newcomer Brenton Thwaites, who played the son of Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann.  Yes, you heard me right.  They found a way to somehow weave Orlando Bloom and Kiera Knightley back into this abysmal mix.  The acting was atrociously subpar by every cast member, sans Kaya Scodelario.  It seems as she sucked all of the acting ability out of the rest of the cast in a  Space Jam-esque fashion.

    For a movie like Pirates of the Carribean to work, the suspension of disbelief has to occur.  As a viewer, I am supposed to believe everything that is occurring on the screen is possible.  How can I believe that when the poorest excuse for CGI I have seen since the Star Wars prequels were consistently bothering me throughout the length of the movie? I truly believe some of the workers at Industrial Light and Magic, who created the visual effects for this and many other movies, let their children finish the graphic on Bring Your Child to Work Day.  I have to make some sort of joke about jumping the shark, which is a phrase used when a series or franchise has passed its peak or relevance.  There is literally a scene in the movie where there are jumping sharks  C'mon Disney, you set yourself up for failure.

     I am offended that Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales was released.  I am insulted that Disney thought the average movie goer was stupid enough to think that this flaming piece of garbage they projected onto the screen could pass for any sort of film.  An existential crisis is inevitable when I realize that Disney was right, and the movie will still make money despite how truly terrible the finished product is.  This once beloved franchise has been downgraded in my mind to Transformers level. It has no heart and soul anymore, only visuals and explosions to make monetary gain.  My concern grows stronger and stronger for Johnny Depp as his career continues to plummet.  After reports of spousal abuse and bouts of addiction, I really wish Mr. Depp would get sober.  Whatever drug he is currently taking to think that this film was ever a good career move needs to be drained from his system immediately.  For an obviously half-assed movie, I will give it a half-assed score.


Score: (5/10)